The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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