You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
