i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
