So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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