why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
