I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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