Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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