We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
