Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
