we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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