I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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