Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?