is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals