You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.