Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
