i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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