How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize