Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
