He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
