I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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