Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Im just a social blackout drinker.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
