I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
