My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
