after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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