I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
