:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
