There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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