I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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