I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
