I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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