she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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