i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
