Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
