I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
