whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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