we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
