So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
