I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
