I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
