My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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