Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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