oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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