I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
