I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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