apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
