I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
