I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
