I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
