well I can't set my house on fire every night
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
