I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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