just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
