Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
