you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
