GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
