I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
