Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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