Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
