why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
