i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
